Former PM Harper and Wife Laureen Open Calgary Cat Shelter

Calgary – Last week, former prime minister Stephen Harper officially retired from politics. This week, the former politician, often – and some would say unfairly – described as emotionless and cold, gave Canadians a rare glimpse at his warm and fuzzy side, by announcing plans to open a new cat shelter with his wife Laureen in the heart of Calgary.

The pet project is an extension of the work started by Laureen during her time at 24 Sussex Drive – the official residence of Canada’s Prime Minister in Ottawa. At the height of Laureen’s rescue effort, “dozens of cats,” including “special-care felines,” lived in an “upstairs space set aside with litter and toys.

Since Harper’s defeat in the 2015 general election, the official residence has been declared unfit for habitation by a prime minister – leaving PM Trudeau and his young family to live at a small 22-room, 19th century cottage located on the grounds of Rideau Hall, the Governor General’s residence. Laureen had planned to use the cottage to exhibit her menagerie of cats, but she scrapped those plans the moment she heard that a re-elected Harper government would implement a ‘barbaric cultural practices’ hotline.

Meanwhile, back in Alberta on Wednesday, Harper and his wife Laureen issued a joint statement saying they plan to open a new and improved “Stephen and Laureen Cat Shelter,” at Calgary’s Stephen Avenue Walk, the city’s only pedestrian mall.

But the shelter isn’t without its controversy. The Harper’s plan to harvest fur from the rescued animals and spin it into yarn for limited-edition Stephen Harper Signature Blue Sweater Vests.

Profits from sales of the sweater vests will be used to fund Ben Harper’s run for his father’s vacant federal seat in Calgary – Heritage.


Image – Harper PMO

Former PC MP Elsie Wayne Finally Gets A Chance To Roll In Her Grave Over Party Merger

Saint John – It took 84 years, but former Saint John mayor and Progressive Conservative MP Elsie Wayne is finally getting a chance to roll in her grave over the merger between her beloved PC Party and the Canadian Alliance in 2003. A merger she originally opposed.

Often described as a right-wing firecracker, Wayne had her fuse extinguished Tuesday in her New Brunswick home.

Wayne was laid to rest Saturday, but after almost 13 years of pent-up anger, frustration and angst, over the merger, she’s expected to be rolling in her grave for the remainder of 2016.

Image – Screengrab

Walmart Buys Naming Rights To Prime Minister Trudeau’s Chest

Ottawa – The next time you see Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s bare chest, it will be clean shaven, and have the word Walmart emblazoned on it. The US-based retail giant announced Wednesday that it had reached a deal with Trudeau’s holding company to purchase naming rights to the upper half of the PM’s chest.

In a short statement released Wednesday, Walmart would only say that it signed a “2-year naming rights deal” giving the big box retailer access to the “hottest walking billboard in the country.” The deal, rumoured to be worth in excess of $2 million, does not include any other part of Trudeau’s torso.

In his home province of Quebec, Trudeau may be forced to keep his shirt on in public due to the province’s strict language laws.

Asked by a CBC reporter if he plans to remove his shirt anytime soon, Trudeau responded by saying “Just watch me,” as he turned gracefully on one hoof, and floated away, like a shiny pony.

Image – Jim Godby / Facebook

Justin Trudeau Accused Of Knowingly Transmitting STDs To Thousands Of Canadians

Ottawa – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is coming under fire from all sides for knowingly transmitting STDs to thousands of Canadians.

The revelation became obvious Monday evening when Trudeau was mobbed as he arrived at a public barbecue in Sudbury, Ontario.

The event left Trudeau thoroughly exhausted, but in a valiant effort, he somehow mustered the strength to keep his shirt on. But that’s about all. Trudeau’s pants were later recovered from a Sudbury dive bar early Tuesday morning.

NDP Leader Thomas Mulcair told the CBC that he pleaded with Trudeau to exercise self-control. “Keep it in your pants,” was Mulcair’s advice to Canada’s young and viral prime minister. Interim Conservative Party Leader Rona Ambrose also had words for Trudeau. “He thinks he can just whip it out anywhere, anytime, anyhow,” the CBC quoted Ambrose as saying. “His propensity to flash anywhere is an embarrassment to the country,” added Ambrose.

PMO Responds

The PMO released a terse statement Tuesday saying the prime minister has “no plans to keep it in his pants,” and he will continue to “whip it out,” whenever an opportunity exists to “take a selfie with an adoring fan.”

Merriam-Webster defines Selfie Trudeau Disease (STD) as a serious condition that will eventually lead to embarrassment.

 

Hillary Clinton Shows Off Her Kitchen Skills During Jimmy Kimmel Appearance

In a pickle, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live Monday night in an attempt to disprove rumours and innuendo that she is suffering from a serious illness.

Despite her effort, she only reinforced Donald Trump’s view that a woman’s place is in the kitchen, not the Oval Office.

For reasons known only to her, and Bill, she thought it would be a good idea to put on a display of strength by opening a factory sealed bottle of sliced dill pickles. Successful, Clinton touted her physical prowess as proof that she’s fit for office.

Donald Trump disagreed. On Tuesday, he told a crowd gathered in Austin, Texas that he was embarrassed by “Crooked” Hillary’s “lame” attempt to show off her manihood. Trump responded by opening three bottles of pickled Texas peppers and a large bottle of low fat mayo. The crowd went into a frenzy, chanting “Bottle Her Up! Bottle Her Up!” as Trump continued to open bottle after bottle until he collapsed from exhaustion after twisting open his 26th bottle of Trump Steaks.

But Trump didn’t stop there. After gaining his composure just three hours later, he dismissed Clinton’s one-off pickle trick, and challenged her to put her money where her is by putting their preserved cucumbers on the table.